Kootenay Ogham Trees

 My Mom is teaching me how to read tea-leaves. When she was young, her Grandmother read tea-leaves to her. I checked in our geneology photo album and my Grandma Weaver came from Scotland. After her mother died when she was twelve, in 1901, she went to work in a teacup factory, and maybe learned more about tea-reading there. Some of her Scottish ancestors came from Fearn, which is right at the top of Scotland. There are tons of stories of spae-wives and witches from there, and lots of Norse and Old Celtic beliefs. Spae-wives are herbalists, healers, and fortune-tellers.

Researching Fearn led me down another rabbit-hole - I've been reading all about the Celtic Ogham Tree Alphabet, and came across a couple of alphabets made by people in the States, using trees more common to their area. 

I was inspired to make my own with trees from where I live because I have just discovered my own 'sacred grove' on my mother's farm - a Grandmother Aspen, sending out suckers from her roots, now stands with her sons and daughters in a perfect circle around her:

I'll be working on the Kootenay Alphabet for the next while, choosing trees and making cards so I can make an oracle deck.

I'll do them in 5 batches, as the letters are split into 4 'aicmi' (families) and 1 'forfeda' (additional letters).

A Connection Reading

 I'm still obsessing over connecting with my kids but not actually doing anything.

I did a reading with Maia Toll's Wild Wisdom Late Winter season and oracle cards, in a spread that is similar to the Mah Jongg oracle spread. It was surprisingly helpful - giving some structure, which I feel like I need, lol.

Her Late Winter season starts with a ritual of planting seeds of intention. I have planted some peas, and I may plant something else, but as I tend the seeds, I'm to tend my intention to connect. 

I'm thinking that when I check the peas each day, I will also send a text. When I water the peas, I will send an email. When I put them on the windowsill to sit in the sun for a bit, I will send a photo.

**Update: I have sent a text and an email this week already, so definitely found the structure I needed!

The next thing in the book is 'tending the flame' - the spark of creation (or wanting to connect) is not enough, one must blow on the spark ever so gently to build it into a flame. 

Again, a clear message that I need to DO things to keep the flame alive, to keep the connection going. Relationships require work, continual little actions that show you care. 

The crystal for this season is Mica. The one part of all she wrote about Mica that resonated with me was the bit where she says that Mica can handle heat - including the heat of anger. Something that holds me back is fear of both my anger and other's anger. I will have to have some Mica on hand to remind myself that I can handle it.

The spread started with a center card - one that had been left behind during the shuffling phase so when I found it I assumed that the universe was telling me that this one was important. It was the Hearth card, meaning center, community, nourishing relationships, protection. Ties in with the 'feeding the flame', doing acts of connection. Another affirmation that this is something that I need to do.

I just put one card in each of the 4 directions, instead of the traditional 3 cards in each spot when doing a Mah Jongg oracle reading.

In the East position, the personality position, I had The Maker card, from the Late Winter season. It's about interacting with the physical world, creatively. I do totally DO things if I'm comfortable, passionate about it (like my goddess project or oracle readings), or I need to help someone. So I CAN do connection things if I remember this.

In the South position, what will happen in the near future from present circumstances, I had the Seed card, from the Late Winter season. She writes that the seed is sent out by the mother plant with a love letter that says "I see you clearly. I have faith in you. This is what you will become." And to grow, the seed needs to have sunlight and water - what do my kids need to grow, what does the connection need to grow? What is the sunlight and water in this case? With the structure from the peas/intentionality, and the love letter, I think that the connections will blossom.

In the West position, the obstacles, I had The Sun card - the summer solstice. The book warns that many give up before they master the lessons they have learned. In my case, I learn many things but I give up before I put them into practice. I NEED to take action.

In the North position, the future, I had The Harvest card. Here it says that the hard work, the careful tending, the many little things you do will come to fruition, and to savor the results of your labors. I can feel the love already, lol. 

So, all in all, a very positive reading and a kick in the butt to get going. 

Today I am the Goat Shepherd

 I have been super busy lately. My Mom had a bad spell and I've taken over her farm chores and the making of dinners for the next while until we have test results back and she is less tired all the time.

It's been great for getting me outside - every morning I take the goats and dogs out to the field and sit while the goats graze and the dogs dig and run and bark.

I wrote my first poem in a long time:

Today I am the goat shepherd

on my Mother's farm.

I walk the muddy paths,

the herd trailing along behind me.

I bask in the first warm sunny day of February.

We all stop to lift our heads,

so that we feel the sun on our faces.

We rummage around in the melting snow

for the first signs of Spring:

- trickling water

- bits of green grass

- the smell of wet soil

- birdsong all around us

I stop in the poplar grove,

cuddled between the trunks of the trees.

I look up to see their branches

intertwined above me,

nestling me in their arms.

I have found a sanctuary for my soul in this field, 

held close in the embrace of the trees,

surrounded by peaceful animals,

and warm sunlight,

and new life.

My heart fills with the wonder

of the world around me.

I recall the words of Heȟáka Sápa (Black Elk), 

a Sioux holy man.

"Perhaps you have noticed 

that even in the very lightest breeze

you can heat the voice 

of the cottonwood tree; 

this we understand

is it's prayer to the Great Spirit, 

for not only men,

but all things and all beings

pray to Him continually

in differing ways."

Lunar New Year Oracle Reading

 Since we are in the midst of Lunar New Year, I have done a Mah Jongg oracle reading. (check the bottom of this post for the deck I used). When we lived on the coast, we became fairly involved with Lunar New Year celebrations, and I continued them while homeschooling and in my family daycare. This year is the Year of the Dragon.

 My middle daughter was born in 2000, another dragon year so I bought her a commemorative bottle of Soju. My son, myself, and my husband are all year of the monkey so I bought my son a bottle of Monkey Shoulder Whiskey. It was really nice. And my oldest daughter is the year of the rat. I couldn't find a rat or mouse bottle of anything, so I got her a peach and orange blossom vodka (peach in the oracle deck = young girl). She loves it, the vodka is delicious! We went out for Chinese food on Feb. 10th, and I have another surprise for them on Feb. 24th, which is the lantern festival on the full moon. I got them Plum Umeshu - soooo good!! FYI - all my kids are in their 20's, lol.

So my question to the oracle was "What is the best way to help my husband?" He is off on disability right now with a hurt knee and carpal tunnel surgery. He is not a happy camper. Generally, I retreat in the face of his crankiness. I did that last weekend - I avoided him and then left home a day early to go to my Mom's.

I love how this deck is shuffled - almost impossible to not shuffle well and so less chance of getting unshuffled cards. They are then spread into a house with the four directions on each side. They are turned over one at a time. There are 4 of each numbered card, which means repeats are the norm.

The center card is card 0, and I turned over 6 wan, fire. This is one of the worst cards!! It means danger, that there are other sides to this issue that are not being considered and so I should go over all aspects and find out what vital factor is being neglected. It also means intelligence and is good for educational inquiries though.

The 3 cards (1,2,3) on the bottom of the spread are the East cards - the two outside cards are my surface personality, and the middle card is my inner personality. Surface personality Card 1 came up as 1 bamboo, peacock. 

This is a middle-aged woman (that's me) and in this position of the spread it is negative - a warning about being overbearing and causing resentment (yup, I can see this).  Surface personality Card 3 is turned over next, it is 4 bamboo, carp. It is a positive card, meaning slow and calm (definitely what most people see), and paired with 1 bamboo it means success with researching my goddess project. Inner personality Card 2 is 6 bamboo, water. The worst card I could have had - fire and water together = calamity! The other cards will tell me the timing and circumstances of the terrible event that my inner craziness could cause. Water is also a card for communicating and commuting though, which goes with the educational/researching aspects in 3 of the 4 cards I've turned over so far. It's funny how my two surface personalities are opposites and both spot on - my Scorpio/Libra horoscope to a tee.

The 3 cards on the right (4,5,6) are South, and they go next. South is the near future and the present. Card number 4 is 8 circles, tiger. 

This card is a strong, brave and aggressive man - my husband. The 6th card is turned over next - it is the commence card, which means go for it, full steam ahead but success will come in the summer. The middle card 5 is 6 bamboo, water again. Repeat water cards means crossing water during travels. We are planning to do some camping this summer. Hmmm.  It also emphasizes the communication and commuting aspects from before so I guess I should keep going back every week even though I was tempted to avoid him and skip some trips home. He does feel more grounded when I am there so I guess that is probably one of the best ways to help him.

The 3 cards on the top (7,8,9) are West, the obstacles and the solution. Card 7 is an obstacle and I turned over 1 bamboo, the peacock again. In this position, it means that the older lady's glory days are done and the negative aspects of old age are coming into play. This is actually my Mom - I have to spend a lot of time with her now because of her cognitive decline. Card 9 goes next, another obstacle. I turned over the North card which means that disputes with my husband must be resolved and I should follow his advice (or my Mom's). The Solution card 8 is 6 circles, peach - which means a young girl is involved. The young girl is both my middle daughter (don't expect to be BFF's all the time and think you are failing if there is any discord) and Persephone, the one who needs to grow up in my goddess project.

The 3 cards on the left (10, 11. 12) are North, which is future outcomes. Card 10 is a difficulty ahead and I turned over 6 wan, fire again - danger ahead. It also represents intelligence though. Card 11 is 7 wan, seven stars. 

The seven stars are part of the bear constellation and the seat of the gods, particularly the god of literary excellence. This positive card helps protect against the danger of the fire card and encourages me to continue my work with the goddess project - it personifies imagination and writing. The final card, card 12, is the final outcome. I turned over 8 circles, tiger again which is my husband - in this North grouping it means conflict with my husband. So perfection should not be my end goal, lol.

Lots of bamboo cards came up which focus on family relationships, flexibility, versatility, strength and things will improve over time. It is a knowledge card, and the key takeaways are patience and understanding. Very appropriate for this reading. 

Summary

- keep commuting while he is on disability, he needs my support in person. 

- watch myself for being pushy and controlling and nit-picking - all things I tend to do

- continue the goddess project as I focus on connections

remember - the goal isn't perfection, there will be ups and downs forever. That is just life.

So, a super reading for me with some insights and some encouragement. Love it.

This is the deck I used:

Sitting with Emotions

 When Persephone needs help in the Blue Meadow, when she is struggling with depression and anxiety, then Artemis comes, bringing with her all of the Yellow Meadow nymphs – the Nephele for self-care, the Pleiades for sleep strategies, the Amnisades for de-escalation techniques, and the Hesperides and Hyperboreans for family and friends.

With their help, she can learn to sit with her emotions. The Amnisade who cares for Artemis’s dogs (emotions) will be a big part of that.

Image: Fantasia 2000

This picture is from Fantasia 2000. She is a Spring sprite who is almost killed by the eruption of Mnt. St. Helen while the music from Firebird plays. It feels scary, and I do feel that emotions are complete chaos, destructive and uncontrollable. She starts as joyful Spring, is turned to ash, then finds herself and brings new life to the desolate landscape.

The Greek word phantasia is usually translated as "imagination." However, in Greek thought the word always retains a connection with the verb phainomai, "I appear."

Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean Up on Aisle 9': "After truth has been applied and my thinking has leveled out, the rest of the noise reflects the barking dogs of my past that no longer have teeth. I can ignore them because they can no longer hurt me."

I plan on not ignoring my dogs, but they will not lead my thinking anymore. I will learn to sit with them and care for them. I will bring Spring back to my life. 

Lindsay Braman writes that the goal of therapy is not 'stopping certain behaviors'. It helps us develop a wider variety of ways to self-soothe. Trusting that the positive coping skills we are learning will work strengthens resiliency over time and helps the coping skills work faster over time. It is a slow process of learning, experimenting, and practicing.

This is a good reminder that I'm not trying to get rid of certain emotions, I'm just trying to learn new ways to care for them so that they don't take over my life. I'm beginning to trust that I can navigate my life without avoiding everything and spiraling into the pit over and over.

I gave my Mom the following information, which I was using for this step, because she is consumed by guilt when she talks about what my Dad did to her. She feels that she shouldn't say anything, or even think anything, because he is not here to defend himself (he died in 2022) but that means she can't deal with her trauma. She has lots of resentment, and anger, and more guilt about not being able to protect her children. She is not sleeping and ended up in the ER this week. She says this is helpful and she has taken the first step of talking about it. Still guilty, but talking.

Dominee at Self-Love Rainbow writes that when you sit with your feelings it means you allow them to exist. You're not running from them or ignoring them. You're making space to feel them and telling them "You belong here today." Because those feelings do belong here. It's okay to have sad days and to feel things that are uncomfortable or that we wish we didn't have to feel. It's not about wallowing in the feelings, which happens when we focus only on those uncomfortable feelings and nothing else. When we sit with our feelings we're allowing them to exist alongside all of our other feelings.

Dominee has 5 tips:

1. Recognise when those feelings want attention.

- pay attention to your cues. You might feel upset or cranky or anxious without knowing why. You might feel the physical symptoms of repressing emotions like being teary, headaches, or trouble sleeping.

2. Identify the emotion.

- identify the feeling that needs attention and why you are feeling it. Give yourself permission to be okay with it. It can help to say outloud "I am feeling _______ because ______." or to write it in a journal.

3. Accept the emotion.

- give it space to exist without judgement and without trying to change it. Let go of the need to control it. Example: I am sad, it's okay to be sad, and I feel like crying right now. Validate what you are feeling. You're not stupid or bad for feeling how you feel. You don't have to be over a feeling after a certain amount of time.

4. Let them exist

- don't avoid or mask the feelings with drugs etc. Feelings won't last forever even if they feel like they will. This is where the 'sitting with them' happens. You can feel sad and still have a good day - things exist alongside each other (grieving, watched a good movie).

5. Practice self-soothing.

- sitting with a feeling doesn't mean we can't do anything to make ourselves feel better. some feelings are strong and overwhelming. practice the coping skills and self-soothing strategies that help process rather than avoid. 

Positive self-talk: It's okay for me to cry. This feeling is not bad or good, it just is. I don't need to get lost in this feeling, I can stay present and mindful. This feeling won't last forever. I don't need to get rid of this feeling, I can just sit with it for a while. 

Sitting with your feelings can be messy, and that's okay.

So, all that is similar to what I found already about caring for my emotions, but this really focuses on the fact that you actually need to FEEL them. I have been thinking that the caring of the dogs is just to control them. 

I guess I will do MORE research on how to FEEL them without getting overwhelmed. It really is a very slow process.

Blue Zone - Pandeia

 

This beautiful picture of Diana by Thalia Took is going to be my Pandeia.

Pandeia is the half-sister of Persephone (and Ersa the goddess of dew from Step 3 of my Bridge, the process of repairing rifts in relationships). As a daughter of Selene, she is the personification of the Full Moon, and childbirth as that used to be claculated with lunar months. Artemis is also associated with the moon and childbirth. Pandeia is also a part of the Nemean Lion mythology since he is a son of Selene who was killed and put into the sky as the Leo constellation: 

Aelian, On Animals 12. 7 (trans. Scholfield) (Greek natural history C2nd A.D.) :

"They say that the Lion of Nemea fell from the moon (Selene). At any rate, Epimenides also has these words: ‘For I am sprung from fair-tressed Selene the Moon, who in a fearful shudder shook off the savage lion in Nemea, and brought him forth at the bidding of Queen Hera.’"

Seneca, Oedipus 38 ff (trans. Miller) (Roman tragedy C1st A.D.) :

"[A land plagued with drought :] Titan [Helios the Sun] augments the scorching dog-stars's [Seirios' (Sirius')] fires, close-pressing upon the Nemean Lion's [i.e. Leo the constellation of mid-summer] back. Water has fled the streams and from the herbage verdure."

In my goddess project, she is going to represent cPTSD. This gives me a kind face for it, and it is said that "Aelian, On Animals 12. 7 (trans. Scholfield) (Greek natural history C2nd A.D.) :

"They say that the Lion of Nemea fell from the moon (selene). At any rate Epimenides also has these words : ‘For I am sprung from fair-tressed Selene the Moon, who in a fearful shudder shook off the savage lion in Nemea, and brought him forth at the bidding of Queen Hera.’"

Seneca, Oedipus 38 ff (trans. Miller) (Roman tragedy C1st A.D.) :

"[A land plaued with drought :] Titan [Helios the Sun] augments the scorching dog-stars's [Seirios' (Sirius')] fires, close-pressing upon the Nemean Lion's [i.e. Leo the constellation of mid-summer] back. Water has fled the streams, and from the herbage verdure."

 ___________

Pandeia is going to represent my cPTSD so that I can put a kind face on it. It is also said that "Of the honours that the Phliasians pay to this goddess, all those who seek sanctuary here receive full forgiveness". An important piece of the recovery process is forgiving yourself, and being able to move on from past hurts by forgiving others.

Blue Zone - The Bridge, Step 6

 The Bridge will help me to take the first step towards repairing rifts in my relationships. Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean Up on Aisle 9" the following:

The Recovery Process

"If you have done the internal and external work that I outlined above, you may feel emotionally exhausted. That is to be expected because you’ve just done a ton of deep therapeutic work.

Part of the recovery process is self-care. Reward yourself for doing the hard work. What does that look like for you? For me, it was a luxuriously long walk/hike around the lake at the Greenway, a massage, and reconnecting with my support system.

The healing journey can be exhausting at times, so we need to pace ourselves to keep moving toward our goals."

Paying attention to my stress and doing something about it is definitely a thing that I have always ignored in the past. Hopefully this piece of the process will really help me to stay grounded and not spiral into panic and fear.

Something I read online that describes me:

"You can use strategies that help you keep your thoughts, emotions and body calm when you encounter a challenging situation. Many people try to cope with trauma by avoiding triggers whenever possible. But keep in mind that total avoidance may not be healthy, especially if it is limiting your daily life. You can try different self-regulating or calming strategies such as deep breathing and meditation, engaging in a hobby or activity, and contacting a person you trust who can listen or offer support. Think about the ways you already know to self-regulate as well as some new ideas you might want to try. When your battery is running low, seeking help can feel overwhelming. One way to prevent this is planning ahead for these times."

This goddess project is how I am planning ahead while still dissociating by having Artemis and Persephone do all the steps, lol. But I do feel safer and think that I can try these steps. Just talking these last few weeks as I try to address issues has not been working too well. The Bridge gives me a map and gives me a fighting chance.

Another relevant piece of information I found online is:

"One of the most important steps is to improve your capacity to assess threat, distinguish threat, and recover from fear. Though your experiences have given you very real evidence that the world is scary, healing needs you to believe that you have the potential to be safe. You do this through repeated practice of regulating your reactions to stress, seeing it as a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when no threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety."

So, the goal in this step is to regain equilibrium and feel safe. However, as I would already be totally triggered, I should not be doing any major work in this step. I can do that in another section of the Blue Zone or Yellow Zone. The focus here should be on de-escalation and feelings of safety.

I'm going to use 4 Greek goddesses to explain the recovery process.

All images in this step are the work of the amazing Thalia Took. I have changed their names to fit my process, go to the bottom of the page to find out who they really are!

Eurynome - aunt to Persephone, mother of the Charities

Eurynome ruled Olympus before Rhea, and as the third wife of Zeus, she bore him the three Charities. She was the goddess of water meadows and pasturelands as she was an oceanid, and her statue depicts her as a mermaid. She was a nurturer, taking care of an injured god for 9 years as well as her children and all of Olympus when she was ruler.

As a nurturer and a mother, she will be the one to comfort me. She will remind me of the things that make me feel cozy, safe, and content. Things like hot sweet tea, warm blankets, and pajama days. And as a mother, she will make sure that I do them!

The three Charities are half-sisters of Persephone. They lived near the 9 Muses and often spent time together. They are:

Thaleia - meaning abundance.

She will be the one who surrounds me with an abundance of peace and love and connection. I will settle in with people and/or pets, some popcorn and drinks, and watch a movie all snuggled up in a warm blanket. No need to talk or interact, just a chance to be with others in a way that feels safe. 

Euphrosyne - meaning good cheer.

Rainbows always make me happy, lol. She will be the one who gets me to play the self-care games I have found at Self-Love Rainbow. I love her stuff! I've bought tons since it is so cheap, and they are super helpful since there is nothing scary about rainbows! An easy way to do the self-care that I need to be healthy in order to deal with stress without making it into an obsession and feelings of failure and overwhelm. 

Aglaea - meaning good health.

Aglaea is the youngest of the Charities. As good health, she will represent walks and time in nature. That is something I always forget, and yet is one of the best ways for me to find calm and happiness.

So, these things will hopefully make the whole 6 step process feel manageable and safe and doable.

Images: 1. Thalia Took's 'Brizo'. 2. Thalia's 'Venus'. 3. Thalia's 'Iris'. 4. Thalia's 'Elpis'.